God definitely works in mysterious ways…. I just wish I could understand them sometimes…
Since the church weekend away and opening up to a couple of people there through my heaven/haven moment I have felt as though a weight has been lifted from me. It’s been amazing. My mood is so much lighter, I’m still having low and dark moments but they’re less frequent and shorter.
However my eating is worse than it has been for a while. Food is consuming my thoughts. Monkeyfather was away with work this week and I found myself eating so much. I feel so guilty about it. I caught myself today planning how to drastically cut out most food so that I can feel in control and lose some of the weight I must have put on. Most of me doesn’t want to do that, and I know it’s daft, but I sometimes can’t see an alternative.
I’m struggling to reconcile the lightness I feel in my mood most of the time with the thoughts of food going around my head and how out of control it’s making me feel.
I was speaking to a lovely lady from church yesterday who asked how I was feeling. When I explained the lightness since the weekend she just smiled. I told her how I found it hard to understand how sudden the change was and she just said that is because “we’re praying for you”.
Whether it’s the power of prayer, or my medication finally kicking in or a ‘God-incidence’ of the two I am grateful that I do feel lighter more, but the hold food still has on me scares me. I hate the relationship I have with food and I do pray that my precious children don’t pick up bad habits from me as a result of seeing how I deal with food.