It seems as though every good day is followed by a bad one at the moment.
My day didn’t start well, l had at least two very vivid, odd dreams last night which woke me up. Both of which l could remember most of the details of in the morning (usually I’m aware l dreamt but l don’t remember what about). l started the day tired and not wanting to get up. Once l got moving l discovered that l have an infection in my toe. Every step has been painful. It’s my own fault, I pulled a dry bit of skin which was digging into the next toe a few days ago.
The monkeygirl also had a huge meltdown this morning. She’s got a bit of a cold and that combined with uncertainty at school (her teacher has been off side since half term) left her unable to cope with the simple decision of what to have for breakfast. We were late for school, which didn’t help her, she needs to be early or at least prompt for things but she did accept she was the person who made us late.
Tiredness and the stressful start to the day just left me feeling kind of lost, that’s the best word l can come up with for how I’ve been today. It’s been hard to focus my mind on anything. The only thing I’ve wanted to do was sleep. l did manage to sort out the contents for the shoeboxes we’re putting together to send off for Operation Christmas Child ready to pack with the children tomorrow.
Hopefully a better night’s sleep tonight will leave me more motivated to do things tomorrow. I’m on top of the housework enough that missing a day doesn’t worry me too much, but missing two would not be good.
After a long chat with the fabulous monkeygranny today (my Mum!) I’m feeling a little brighter. There’s still a long way to go to feel brighter than I did before yesterday but I’m getting there.
My cold is slightly better today, though I’ve still been not right. Hopefully a good night’s sleep tonight (I’m heading up as soon as I’ve posted this) will mean I feel better still tomorrow.
I wish I knew what God has planned for us. Every time we think he’s opening a door for us and we start exploring it the door slams shut in our faces. We are sure that God wants us to move; too many things about our current location just aren’t right in either the short, medium or long term. But where? And when?
The uncertainty of all of this is one of the issues affecting my depression, I am not brilliant with change, but I can cope if I know the details, but I know nothing…
If you pray, please ask God to guide us, we desperately need some clarity. My depression is affecting my physical health and not making things easy for the monkeyfather. He is very patient and tolerant when I’m struggling but I can see it’s hard for him to comprehend my difficulties. Thank you.
I’m typing this from my phone since the monkeyfather is changing some settings on my laptop.
It’s been a long day. Counselling this morning brought out more issues about communication and my dislike of change, but my need to know the details of change when I know it’s happening. The monkeyfather and I had a good talk and clarified some thoughts about our planned move, though our destination still isn’t clear. It was useful though.
I’m tired after all the discussions today, but I do feel they have helped a bit. I’ll feel a lot better (I hope) once we have decided where we’re going to move to.
I’m trying to take little steps to regain some control of my life.
Step one may not seem an obvious choice, but I’m getting my haircut this afternoon. This should give me more time in a morning as it currently takes ages to dry my hair. That extra time should allow me to have breakfast every morning, something that only happens two or three times during the school week at the moment, and definitely doesn’t help how l feel. It doesn’t help my eating either, without having breakfast I’m more likely to snack and crave junk food through the whole day.
My weight is still something that really bothers me. I’ve found myself planning how not to eat several times in the last two weeks. l haven’t done that and I’m fighting with myself to keep it that way. Step two is to try and plan meals more. I’m hoping this should help my eating and leave me less likely to resort to chips/junk from the freezer in an evening.
Hopefully these first simple steps will start to help me feel better.
No, not me, but time.
My expectation that I’d have more time today was highly inaccurate. A meeting combined with a long overdue clean up of my email inbox took care of this morning. Lunch, a quick play with the monkeyboy and it was time to go and collect the monkeygirl from school. This was followed by a visit to the optician to get the monkeygirl’s glasses repaired (again!). When we got home it was a quick bath for the monkeygirl (she cut both her knees during outdoor P.E. and needed some grit soaking out) and then some quiet time with the children upstairs while the husband had to take a phone call. Children’s tea, supper,bed and then dinner for the monkeyfather and l, and suddenly its gone 9pm.
I need to get myself on some sort of schedule to stay on top of things better, I’ve been so busy this week that I’ve struggled to stay on top of the housework let alone myself imposed commitment to NaBloPoMo. l don’t want to stop that, writing (even random gibberish) has been helpful to how I’ve been feeling. My depression has definitely not appreciated me being overtired and busy this week. I’ve become more aware of how much I need rest, and more specifically a reasonable amount of sleep. As much as I hate eating separately to the monkeyfather in an evening I think l may need to do that more often. If he’s working in the office the monkeyfather is unlikely to be home much before 7:20, cooking a dinner from scratch after putting the children to bed at 7:30 leaves us eating after 8pm (on a good day). That results in us heading up to bed after 10 pm, by the time l actually go to sleep it’s often after 11. Our alarm goes off at 6 in the morning, l don’t function very well on less than 7 hours of sleep at the best of times. l don’t quite know what the best way is for me to get myself in a better routine to try to help me but I think it needs to be a priority.
One of the things that has come up in my discussions with my counsellor/therapist is the lack of a sense of purpose in my life. Yes, I have my amazing children and my awesome husband, but I’m ‘just’ a mummy. Where is ‘Hannah’ in what I do?
My role as a school governor is something that my counsellor noticed causes me to brighten up when I talk about it (obviously only generally, in that it is a part of my life and something I enjoy – there are no details in what I have said). I have also started working occasionally as emergency staff at a preschool. I’ve done a couple of shifts over the past couple of months and I have loved it. Its only minimum wage work as an assistant in the kitchen and dealing with snack time but it’s brilliant. I love working with children and I didn’t really realise how much I missed it in the years since I gave up teaching. I don’t want to go back to full time teaching while the children are at home, for me family time is too important, the pressures put on teachers today and the amount of paperwork mean that I simply wouldn’t get enough quality time with my monkeys. I remember my wonderful mum working so hard and for so many hours keeping on top of planning and paperwork when I was little. Dad was home full time with my sister and I, but I did wish I could have a little bit more time with Mum. Maybe one day I’ll go back to work for one or two days a week, but at least for now with the monkeyboy in preschool and the monkeygirl needing to see the monkeyfather or I at the school gate it’s not an option. I have wondered about looking for work as a teaching assistant in the children’s school in the future, we’ll have to see where we are next autumn when the monkeyboy starts school.
There are so many thoughts going round, I sometimes feel the real me is hidden somewhere, that I’m not sure who I am anymore. I do pray that as I’m talking to my counsellor and discussing with the monkeyfather our future plans that I start to find me again.