To resolve, or not to resolve, that is the question….

It’s at this time of year that many people make New Years Resolutions, things they aim to achieve in the upcoming year.

I was thinking about this earlier and what I may do. I came to the conclusion that resolutions with a specific target (i.e. I will lose 14lbs by Easter) are destined to fail for me. If any thing distracts me or goes wrong then I can get very disillusioned and upset and abandon all hope.

Instead, this year I am going to have some aims for the year ahead; areas of my life I want to change but I’m not going to set myself deadlines or specific targets.

So here goes… by 31st December 2014 I would like to

  • be fitter – improve my stamina and fitness so I can keep with the monkeyfather and my precious little monkeys when we go on walks. Exercise and walking should help my depression as well.
  • eat more fruit and vegetables – I rarely eat 2 a day let alone the supposed 5 a day. It would do my health (and fitness!) the world of good if I could increase that.
  • eat less processed food – I currently rely on frozen meat/chips/pizza far to often to feed us all. I want to improve all of our diets by using my slow cooker more and planning meals better so I don’t just panic and rush to the freezer at 5:30pm.
  • learn how to use my new camera properly – my Christmas present from the wonderful monkeyfather was a lovely new camera, it’s more complicated than a simple point and shoot and I want to be able to use more of its functions to take better pictures of the amazing people and world around me. (warning this may involve me posting more photos here… I may try photo365 again!).
  • watch less TV – I rely on the TV to relax me and help me rest a lot. I’d like to replace that with reading and crafting more.
  • read and study my bible more – ok, so this should probably have been nearer the top of my list – I need to spend more time with God and His word as I know it can help me though what life throws at me.
  • have a tidier house – I’m a hoarder and clutterbug and as a result most surfaces in my house are covered with odds and ends. I’d like to be able to invite people round without being worried about that they may think and without feeling guilty. With a tidier house it should be easier for craft more as well which helps me relax.
  • use my sewing machine – I have a fabulous sewing machine (and thanks to my lovely mum a gorgeous sewing basket), but I don’t know how to do anything other than a very basic line on things. I’d love to be able to make clothes for myself and the children and things for the house.

That seems like quite a list, but in actual fact many of these support each other and different facets of day-to-day life. Nothing there is unachievable and the combination of them all (well, minus the camera and sewing machine) should help make my family and house happier.

I’ll try to update once a month or so on how I’m doing, but I’m not going to put extra pressure on myself by promising that I will.

Good day

Ok, so I haven’t got much done (the bare essential housework), but I have felt a little brighter today. I have eaten rather a lot though. Freshly baked minced pies on buy one get one free in the supermarket didn’t help matters…

I am still rather tired, hopefully I’ll sleep better tonight. The children have been primed to be quiet in the morning, reading from 6:30, playing from 7 and coming to see mummy and daddy at 8… it may work, the monkeyfather and I both need to get some rest. He has some work he needs to do tomorrow , but otherwise we’re hoping to have a quiet day.

Baby steps

I’m trying to take little steps to regain some control of my life.

Step one may not seem an obvious choice, but I’m getting my haircut this afternoon. This should give me more time in a morning as it currently takes ages to dry my hair. That extra time should allow me to have breakfast every morning, something that only happens two or three times during the school week at the moment, and definitely doesn’t help how l feel. It doesn’t help my eating either, without having breakfast I’m more likely to snack and crave junk food through the whole day.

My weight is still something that really bothers me. I’ve found myself planning how not to eat several times in the last two weeks. l haven’t done that and I’m fighting with myself to keep it that way. Step two is to try and plan meals more. I’m hoping this should help my eating and leave me less likely to resort to chips/junk from the freezer in an evening.

Hopefully these first simple steps will start to help me feel better.

Mysterious ways…

God definitely works in mysterious ways…. I just wish I could understand them sometimes…

Since the church weekend away and opening up to a couple of people there through my heaven/haven moment I have felt as though a weight has been lifted from me. It’s been amazing. My mood is so much lighter, I’m still having low and dark moments but they’re less frequent and shorter.

However my eating is worse than it has been for a while. Food is consuming my thoughts. Monkeyfather was away with work this week and I found myself eating so much. I feel so guilty about it. I caught myself today planning how to drastically cut out most food so that I can feel in control and lose some of the weight I must have put on. Most of me doesn’t want to do that, and I know it’s daft, but I sometimes can’t see an alternative.

I’m struggling to reconcile the lightness I feel in my mood most of the time with the thoughts of food going around my head and how out of control it’s making me feel.

I was speaking to a lovely lady from church yesterday who asked how I was feeling. When I explained the lightness since the weekend she just smiled. I told her how I found it hard to understand how sudden the change was and she just said that is because “we’re praying for you”.

Whether it’s the power of prayer, or my medication finally kicking in or a ‘God-incidence’ of the two I am grateful that I do feel lighter more, but the hold food still has on me scares me. I hate the relationship I have with food and I do pray that my precious children don’t pick up bad habits from me as a result of seeing how I deal with food.