It seems as though every good day is followed by a bad one at the moment.
My day didn’t start well, l had at least two very vivid, odd dreams last night which woke me up. Both of which l could remember most of the details of in the morning (usually I’m aware l dreamt but l don’t remember what about). l started the day tired and not wanting to get up. Once l got moving l discovered that l have an infection in my toe. Every step has been painful. It’s my own fault, I pulled a dry bit of skin which was digging into the next toe a few days ago.
The monkeygirl also had a huge meltdown this morning. She’s got a bit of a cold and that combined with uncertainty at school (her teacher has been off side since half term) left her unable to cope with the simple decision of what to have for breakfast. We were late for school, which didn’t help her, she needs to be early or at least prompt for things but she did accept she was the person who made us late.
Tiredness and the stressful start to the day just left me feeling kind of lost, that’s the best word l can come up with for how I’ve been today. It’s been hard to focus my mind on anything. The only thing I’ve wanted to do was sleep. l did manage to sort out the contents for the shoeboxes we’re putting together to send off for Operation Christmas Child ready to pack with the children tomorrow.
Hopefully a better night’s sleep tonight will leave me more motivated to do things tomorrow. I’m on top of the housework enough that missing a day doesn’t worry me too much, but missing two would not be good.
I wish I knew what God has planned for us. Every time we think he’s opening a door for us and we start exploring it the door slams shut in our faces. We are sure that God wants us to move; too many things about our current location just aren’t right in either the short, medium or long term. But where? And when?
The uncertainty of all of this is one of the issues affecting my depression, I am not brilliant with change, but I can cope if I know the details, but I know nothing…
If you pray, please ask God to guide us, we desperately need some clarity. My depression is affecting my physical health and not making things easy for the monkeyfather. He is very patient and tolerant when I’m struggling but I can see it’s hard for him to comprehend my difficulties. Thank you.
I’m typing this from my phone since the monkeyfather is changing some settings on my laptop.
It’s been a long day. Counselling this morning brought out more issues about communication and my dislike of change, but my need to know the details of change when I know it’s happening. The monkeyfather and I had a good talk and clarified some thoughts about our planned move, though our destination still isn’t clear. It was useful though.
I’m tired after all the discussions today, but I do feel they have helped a bit. I’ll feel a lot better (I hope) once we have decided where we’re going to move to.
No, not me, but time.
My expectation that I’d have more time today was highly inaccurate. A meeting combined with a long overdue clean up of my email inbox took care of this morning. Lunch, a quick play with the monkeyboy and it was time to go and collect the monkeygirl from school. This was followed by a visit to the optician to get the monkeygirl’s glasses repaired (again!). When we got home it was a quick bath for the monkeygirl (she cut both her knees during outdoor P.E. and needed some grit soaking out) and then some quiet time with the children upstairs while the husband had to take a phone call. Children’s tea, supper,bed and then dinner for the monkeyfather and l, and suddenly its gone 9pm.
I need to get myself on some sort of schedule to stay on top of things better, I’ve been so busy this week that I’ve struggled to stay on top of the housework let alone myself imposed commitment to NaBloPoMo. l don’t want to stop that, writing (even random gibberish) has been helpful to how I’ve been feeling. My depression has definitely not appreciated me being overtired and busy this week. I’ve become more aware of how much I need rest, and more specifically a reasonable amount of sleep. As much as I hate eating separately to the monkeyfather in an evening I think l may need to do that more often. If he’s working in the office the monkeyfather is unlikely to be home much before 7:20, cooking a dinner from scratch after putting the children to bed at 7:30 leaves us eating after 8pm (on a good day). That results in us heading up to bed after 10 pm, by the time l actually go to sleep it’s often after 11. Our alarm goes off at 6 in the morning, l don’t function very well on less than 7 hours of sleep at the best of times. l don’t quite know what the best way is for me to get myself in a better routine to try to help me but I think it needs to be a priority.
I can’t remember which company’s tagline that was but it’s fairly apt for today.
I had my first session of counselling/talking therapy this morning. It was rather difficult to begin with, I don’t find it very easy to talk about what I’m feeling but it did get easier as the session went on.
My therapist seems lovely. It came out as we talked that she is a Christian too, which somehow makes this easier for me (I’m not sure why!). I’ll get to have up to 8 sessions with her depending how they go and how much help they seem to be.
As we spoke and discussed ‘me’ it really brought to the fore how many areas of my life have difficulties at the moment, if it was just one area I think I’d be able to cope, but when we could see 6 or 7 areas that I’m struggling with or are weighing me down I’m almost not surprised that the lighter times are overshadowed by darker and heavier ones.
I came out of the room feeling very tired but somehow a little better. The rational thought that, yes, there are difficulties but there are also areas in my life where (as she put it) I brighten up when I discuss them and feel a bit more positive (even briefly) gives me hope that with support I can move further towards the light even though there are things that pull me down that I can’t ,and won’t ever be able to, change. (apologies for the crazily long muddled sentence these but I couldn’t phrase it any better!)
God definitely works in mysterious ways…. I just wish I could understand them sometimes…
Since the church weekend away and opening up to a couple of people there through my heaven/haven moment I have felt as though a weight has been lifted from me. It’s been amazing. My mood is so much lighter, I’m still having low and dark moments but they’re less frequent and shorter.
However my eating is worse than it has been for a while. Food is consuming my thoughts. Monkeyfather was away with work this week and I found myself eating so much. I feel so guilty about it. I caught myself today planning how to drastically cut out most food so that I can feel in control and lose some of the weight I must have put on. Most of me doesn’t want to do that, and I know it’s daft, but I sometimes can’t see an alternative.
I’m struggling to reconcile the lightness I feel in my mood most of the time with the thoughts of food going around my head and how out of control it’s making me feel.
I was speaking to a lovely lady from church yesterday who asked how I was feeling. When I explained the lightness since the weekend she just smiled. I told her how I found it hard to understand how sudden the change was and she just said that is because “we’re praying for you”.
Whether it’s the power of prayer, or my medication finally kicking in or a ‘God-incidence’ of the two I am grateful that I do feel lighter more, but the hold food still has on me scares me. I hate the relationship I have with food and I do pray that my precious children don’t pick up bad habits from me as a result of seeing how I deal with food.