A very busy day today, it started early with the possibility of snowfall so we all got up promptly to make sure we could get to school ok. In the end we had no snow, but the children had time to play before school which is a rare treat (somehow we always end up in a rush in the mornings).
I was working this morning and then had to raid the supermarket (not fun when I had to drag the monkeyboy along with me!). By the time we finished that and had lunch at home it was time to go and collect the monkeygirl. We then made microwave mug cakes and played with the monkeyfather’s Lego before dinner, baths and bed for little monkeys.
I have felt a bit brighter again today, I think work (even only a couple of hours occasionally) helps me. It gives me a purpose. Doing the tasks I do as a school governor help as well. I get very easily tired, I’ve been shattered today. Whether that’s the depression or remains of a post viral illness I had 9 years ago, I don’t know but I could manage a bit.
One of the things that has come up in my discussions with my counsellor/therapist is the lack of a sense of purpose in my life. Yes, I have my amazing children and my awesome husband, but I’m ‘just’ a mummy. Where is ‘Hannah’ in what I do?
My role as a school governor is something that my counsellor noticed causes me to brighten up when I talk about it (obviously only generally, in that it is a part of my life and something I enjoy – there are no details in what I have said). I have also started working occasionally as emergency staff at a preschool. I’ve done a couple of shifts over the past couple of months and I have loved it. Its only minimum wage work as an assistant in the kitchen and dealing with snack time but it’s brilliant. I love working with children and I didn’t really realise how much I missed it in the years since I gave up teaching. I don’t want to go back to full time teaching while the children are at home, for me family time is too important, the pressures put on teachers today and the amount of paperwork mean that I simply wouldn’t get enough quality time with my monkeys. I remember my wonderful mum working so hard and for so many hours keeping on top of planning and paperwork when I was little. Dad was home full time with my sister and I, but I did wish I could have a little bit more time with Mum. Maybe one day I’ll go back to work for one or two days a week, but at least for now with the monkeyboy in preschool and the monkeygirl needing to see the monkeyfather or I at the school gate it’s not an option. I have wondered about looking for work as a teaching assistant in the children’s school in the future, we’ll have to see where we are next autumn when the monkeyboy starts school.
There are so many thoughts going round, I sometimes feel the real me is hidden somewhere, that I’m not sure who I am anymore. I do pray that as I’m talking to my counsellor and discussing with the monkeyfather our future plans that I start to find me again.